- 1 Introduction: of dice and gods
- 2 More science
- 3 More art
- 4 Aftermath of The Kiss
- 5 Dating
- 6 A lesson about love and jealousy
- 7 An embarrassing moment for Fang. Like usual
- 8 The run on Az
- 9 Tea-nitiation
- 10 Cromwell's marriage
- 11 The banana and the monkey
- 12 The dressing-room
- 13 Room for two
- 14 Beauty and the Bet
- 15 Grief
- 16 Back together
- 17 Tying the knot
Introduction: of dice and gods
In one particular instance, a unanimous clueless verdict rendered by Judge Intentions led Cromwell to force Cupid's hand and kiss a hapless Fang who had tried to seize him for an entirely different reason, thus setting in motion a ship that had failed to sail in a sea of low probabilities: Fangwell.
A jealous Elsie, in a spiteful bid to snip this flower in the bud, uttered such niceties as:
Just because you swapped spit with my troll doesn't mean you need to tell him what to do!
Just because you played tonsil hockey with my troll doesn't mean that you get to tell him what to do.
(Both, to an outraged Fang. The GM, meanwhile, was having the time of her life.) Ma1nfram3, always helpful, clarified that:
I don't think you can get to the tonsils in that amount of time. It would take longer.
Elsie concluded, to general laughter, with this third version:
Just because you clinked teeth with my troll doesn't mean that you get to tell him what to do.
The group also invoked the physics of tusks and horns to discuss the possibility of The Kiss and thence the viability of a relationship between an ork and a troll.
It didn't take long for the first pictures of The Kiss to emerge (and make a dent in Elsie's theory, see below).
This gem was posted on twitter:
There is a time to kick ass
And a time to kiss the lass,
To breathe life into limbs of brass.
Aftermath of The Kiss
Speaking of flowers, The Kiss later elicited a flurry a poetry from Elsie to the new lovebirds:
Do not take advantage of my troll, he's a delicate flower. (To Fang)
You're a delicate flower, Cromwell. (In the same breath, to Cromwell)
Later, Elsie invited Fang to a shooting range in the woods. Fang, not worried at all (or maybe a little) accepted this bonding opportunity.
Elsie showed off her new Ranger Arms SM-5 sniper rifle, and started talking about Fang's intentions with the Troll.
The shooting session was tense as Elsie set rules for Fang and Cromwell having a good time involving bare guns and tusk wrestling under her own roof without hurting Cromwell's or her own emotions.
Both Elsie and Fang left the shooting range alive.
According to Cromwell, a Fangwell date is about hanging out in areas of Seattle where they can bare their knuckles and show a bunch of Troll Killers some tough love.
Fang inadvertently sends dirty messages to Ma1nfram3 rather than their intended recipient, Cromwell. More generally, it is not clear whether Fang and Cromwell spend Ep 42 investigating mostly the missing children or each other.
Cromwell later lauded Fang's congeniality, even when fist-fighting Troll Killers while getting an ice cream as long as they got the ice cream in the end, during a conversation about Mordefram3 and the Tempo run. Lauren pictured the two of them eating an ice cream while covered in blood. Beautiful. The bird and the bee, first evoked in the context of Mordefram3, returned in Cromwell's convoluted semi-explanation of a relationship in his past (that also involved a frog) he needed to come clean about with Fang.
A lesson about love and jealousy
It may be noted that while, in Ep 43, love literally gives Crowell wings and powerless anxiety about Fang's fate at the hands of Ares guards enrages him, jealousy seems to be the more effective sentiment as it is the one that actually manages to bring Elsie on the scene in time to fight.
Among other grievances regarding trust or lack thereof aired from all parts in a tense talk, later at Ma1nfram3's place, Cromwell resented that Elsie had acted on the doubts raised by her sometime boss Rachel's Everybody cheats and nosed around in a relationship that was not even exclusive yet, according to him. She had to start trusting Fang as he did. In his words:
She's got a list a mile long of... of... of gladiator fighters that if they show up she's allowed to at least make out with.
To which Fang reacted with an emphatic:
Three. Three. I have three.
As if the general hilarity around the tables was not enough, Elsie kind of apologized thus:
So. I don't know how to be supportive without physically threatening people for you. That's how we did in my family[...]
Apology accepted, probably, by Cromwell, with these words:
I appreciate physically threatening people. [...] That's... that's my love language.
Right after that came Cromwell's decisive endorsement of Fang. His
We've got to trust each other at least. We can't trust anyone else. (To Elsie)
was closely followed by:
Let's... Let Fang into the trust circle, alright. Mordecai and Ma1nfram3 are on the edge of the trust circle and the rest of the world is on the outside. Maybe Miss J.
Elsie's final, maybe reluctant, own endorsement:
If she wants to stay over she can.
This conversation had a follow up in Ep 44 when Cromwell asked Fang for advice about the cyberware he had detected in Elsie's brain earlier (which he had done without her permission, an issue of trust in itself) at the Draco Foundation as he believed Elsie had hidden its existence from him. She advised him to talk to Elsie about it:
because, at this point we all don't have secrets anymore. Right, right? Right? Right? (while tapping her left ring finger with her right index, then switching hands).
To which Cromwell replied:
There are secrets and there are just things you don't tell people.[...]
An embarrassing moment for Fang. Like usual
As the group was preparing to fly to the Galahad Academy, Fang welcomed Cromwell's proposal to train for her eventual boxing match with Mordecai. Her usual naïve enthusiasm manifested itself in these immortal words:
So, I need you to go back to your knees like usual.
Not too surprisingly, the knee situation was brought back when Fang offered to distract Cromwell from his idea of piloting the plane to Michigan.
The run on Az
Fang was not swayed by Cromwell's reasons for not taking her on his run for Ares on Aztechnology and went public about it. The run was a failure, Cromwell nearly got killed.
After getting the talk about the birds and the bees that also involved a frog, Elsie realized that she needed to take some decisive action about Cromwell and Fang's relationship. The scene, managed by Jeannine to achieve maximum tension, started with Elsie's:
So, Cromwell really, really likes you.
He has, like, a lot of metaphors about you guys and they are pretty, like, convoluted.
So, like if you want to be part of our family there is something you need to do. Come with me.
Lauren's question to Claudia/Fang showed how unclear Elsie's intentions still were to anybody but her:
Do you go with her?
Tension kept building as Fang's answer involved a baseball bat that couldn't be used because the yellow paint on it was still drying. So, Elsie led Fang to a little used back room in the house, directed her to sit down at a table and left her alone for a short time. Tension was released when Elsie deadpanned:
If you're going to be with Cromwell you have to know the difference between a Chinese and an English tea ceremony.
Elsie then shared leaves from her book with Fang, teaching her what she absolutely needed to know about tea brewing because of Cromwell's blindness.
During Elsie's Sweet Sixteen birthday party, while the two were alone on Captain Rachel Grant's boat Cromwell decided to bite the bullet and come clean with Fang about his past, and specifically about his marriage. The convoluted tale was preceded by a prologue that involved an emotional Fang saying:
But as much as I would like to pry you open, [...] when you are ready I am there. We're getting old.
So, at some time twenty to thirty tears prior, Cromwell had married a woman in Tír na nÓg.
Unbeknownst to him, she was part of the O'Neill Family, one of the powerful Danaan mór which run both the country and its crime. Said family hadn't taken kindly to this union and he had had to flee the country.
Cromwell had only recently returned to Tír na nÓg. Though, on his journey there, he had not seen the woman he had called his wife, he had learned that he was still considered married to her by the locals, and had returned to Seattle with a ring he couldn't get rid of. In his hypothetical style, Cromwell suggested at some point in his story that the lady may have been pregnant when he had departed and concluded his tale with an euphemistic:
Outside of that I'm free of entanglements.
Fang lost her calm as it dawned on her that Cromwell was still married and his wife had definitely been pregnant when he had left her. She started using a metaphor that would come back later, about entering the Cromwell pool. Fang didn't like to share, and with Ma1nfram3's help she would soon fly to Eurasia and met the queen of Cromwell's in-laws. Said Ma1nfram3 had her own relationship entanglements to entangle at the same time.
The run offered by the family of Cromwell's erstwhile wife gave Cromwell and the rest of MMFEC (minus Ma1nfram3) an opportunity to go to Tír na nÓg and hopefully solve the mysteries surrounding Cromwell's marriage.
When Cromwell first met her, Branwen O'Neill was a smart, charismatic physical adept (blades and bows) who was also basically (and unbeknownst to Cromwell) the eldest daughter of the O'Neill Family.
When he had returned a few months earlier and been thrown off the island by the O'Neills, he had also been cursed, so to speak, with a ring that would allow Branwen's family to track him and that he would not be able to get rid of. It had, however, been entirely up to Cromwell to put this ring on his wedding ring finger of all places.
Fang was the first to find out, in a moving talk with Branwen, that by the time he had left her, she was pregnant with his child, who turned out to be an elven boy. When Branwen told him, Cromwell left his Paddington bear for his son. He would be there for him if he decided to pay a visit, but due to the outcome of a visit at the cardiologist's earlier in the show, advised that he come quickly.
Branwen had also had a second child in another relationship, after her marriage to Cromwell had been annulled due to his sudden disappearance and incomplete paperwork. With no rings on her fingers, she was currently single. Branwen's explanations could not completely assuage Fang's jealousy when Branwen's defensive behavior with her seemed to exude lingering feelings for Cromwell.
Fang's anger when the group recounted their Irish trip to Ma1nfram3, which contrasted with Cromwell's relatively jolly mood, may have had its explanation in her statement, a bit later, that she was many things but not a homewrecker. Was she seeing Cromwell and Branwen as still romantically involved even though neither would admit it?
The banana and the monkey
When alluding to the conversation her boss has recounted to her, Elsie contrasted people like Ma1nfram3 who are like an onion because they have several layers (id, super ego, ego, destiny) with Fang, a banana (Claudia's suggestion, because it's yellow) with just two layers.
To which Cromwell added that:
There is a monkey inside of the banana. [...] Sometimes you have to wait for the monkey to jump out.
While on the trail of the kidnapped Magitek Enterprises research team, Fang and Cromwell / Hammer went to the Veronica's Diary store of a nearby mall and posed as a husband and mistress couple that needed to retrieve a necklace lest his cruel wife beat him. Cromwell also needed to try and astrally inquire about the possible presence in a dressing-room of one member of the team, referred to as Terra, earlier in the day. To gain them access to the dressing-room, Fang picked up a yellow bra. She then went to the dressing-room to try it on, with Cromwell in tow.
They would have spent more time than strictly necessary in that dressing-room for a Laugh Out Lewd intermission, if not for the store clerk's insistence that the No Indecent Acts sign she pointed to also applied to eyeless trolls. Besides, the sign was enhanced with AR for accessibility.
Room for two
There he explained that he had knocked out a wall and made the room much bigger because:
Maybe... I mean... Not... Not to presume... Maybe you want to keep your apartment but maybe... erm... you want to move some of your things here.
Then he added:
Elsie told me it's a good idea[...]
Fang pointed out that:
We're not young anymore.
After several Yeah, after Cromwell's precision that he had stolen a King Size bed and after enumerating her experiences of never living with somebody else (in barracks, at the police department and in prison), Fang accepted Cromwell's offer with an enthusiastic
Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Ma1nfram3 concluded this scene with:
That's where the lights fade.
and cut to her own Mordefram3 scene.
Beauty and the Bet
After he won his bet, Cromwell treated Fang with a trip to Aztlan.
He apparently had two objectives on this bonus mission, namely kill one of Fang's brothers and pre-propose to Fang's family before actually asking her. He totally failed on the former, said brother being based in Seattle, but did achieve the latter. He also kind of insulted Fang's family to her brother Rahmut's face.
Fang failed her own quest, that is, roleplay with Cromwell as CEO & runner in Rahmut's office. Rahmut treated them to a steak place, The Green and the Red, where Fang was very interested in getting more details from Cromwell about his sudden proposition. After Rahmut gave his permission, Cromwell started his speech in these auspicious terms:
After Fang had told him it was OK if he stayed, Rahmut asked
You've heard mom talk about the litter, right?
Cromwell kept on, while Fang/Claudia was slowly sinking on her chair, explaining that he didn't have any expectations because he didn't know what parts of her were cybernetic. The compliments continued:
You're the only person I've ever met what... er might get to do more damage than I can to the people what needs damage doing to.
Fang's answer mentioned Cromwell's punch-stick (his fist) and her stab-stick (her sword) and how
of course they would merge together beautifully
before she concluded
I'll get back to you.
Cromwell repeated that:
I was just asking for permission. So think about it so you're ready when I do ask.
Your brother is kind of socially awkward isn't he?
which Lauren translated as : negative trait, social stress, family, FANG.
Said brother ended up supporting Cromwell's request and speaking in rather good terms of both him and Fang.
Cromwell dead, herself badly injured. Cromwell's somehow finding its way to her while his body was taken away. Paperwork. That was a lot to process for Fang, who spent a few days in delirium, ggoing AWOL, getting more surgery. When she summoned the courage to come back home, to enter the bedroom and face the familiar objects, especially the bed with Cromwell's side carefully made, she found it in a mess instead, Mordecai sitting and eating on it. He had no idea of the sacrilege he had just been guilty of.
When Sharky brought the news that Cromwell was still alive, Fang was both angry and happy. He hadn't told her about his Feign Death ability, he hadn't contacted her while tracking Becky with Lottie, who had not told her about Cromwell when they had met. Cromwell's explanation that he had left a note in a box of crisps, the one Mordecai had eaten on their bed, wasn't enough to prevent Fang from hitting him on the nose first chance she had. She had made sure he would only suffer stun damage and therefore not risk going berserk.
Tying the knot
While the group was on Dynah deciding how best to tackle the danger posed by Ciaradh's space station, Cromwell formally proposed to Fang. Mordecai revealed he could marry them. Then, hurtling toward the building where HOD mages were sustaining an astral rift, MMFEC witnessed the wedding of Cromwell and Fang, performed by Mordecai, who made a point of following every rule, such as waiting for the mandatory three seconds at the end.
It didn't take long for their first marital spat (Ma1nfram3's words) to take place as Fang made sure her spouse was not staying back on the space station to put a heroic, early end to their union. The day ended without champagne or a cake, but with MMFEC being treated to stellar fireworks.
- It won't be said that this is not a serious wiki with solid academic references.
- This paragraph, as the rest of this page, is based on events that took place in Ep 41.
- Actual quote needed here. This enlightening dialogue starts at around 1:38:00.
- By yours truly.
- The real meaning of this word in this sentence may need to be debated by scholars.
- See Ep 41.
- See Ep 42.
- See Ep 42.
- See Ep 42.
- See Ep 48.
- Lauren's inquiry revealed that the list of people Cromwell would have killed if he were younger includes one Midas but not Alejandro (he's just a friend). Further references necessary.
- That one was too much for Lauren, who briefly broke into laughter before regaining her poise.
- The whole 30-minute conversation at Ma1nfram3's at the end of Ep 43 is really great, not just the bits transcribed here.
- Mordecai's take on it: Look, if you guys are having sex, could you do it either more quietly or, or like more entertainingly than this? And it went downhill from there.
- There is probably a list a mile long of them, somewhere.
- This perfectly innocent moment of Ep 44, during which, according to Fang, Fighting happened, only deserves a spot here because of the (nearly) general hilarity it elicited.
- See Ep 45.
- See Ep 48.
- Referring to the aforementioned menagerie of birds and bees and the like
- Not a charged word at all, coming from a Whitetree.
- And visibly so, judging by reactions at the table.
- Key lesson here: Make leaves, not war.
- Or mostly so. It turned out later that the captain had been on her boat and had told Elsie her own version of the tale
- As was demonstrated, with no explanation, in an earlier episode. If memory serves, Cromwell tossed the ring at sea but it returned to his finger.
- See Ep 50.
- Source: The backstory for this run, as shared by Tony. See also this tweet.
- Where I perceived jealousy from Fang for having to share Cromwell's heart with the ghost of a relationship, but no hatred at Branwen.
- See Ep 52.
- At the beginning of Ep 53.
- See Ep 50.
- See Ep 51. This clerk, who was also trolled by Mordecai, is the unsung heroin of the episode for her ordeal.
- See Ep 56.
- Tony switched from Fang to Shel after Lauren asked whether Fang only calls Cromwell Magnuson when they are alone.
- The reactions of Lauren (And then we fade to black.) and the players to Tony's short narration vary slightly but all show that nobody knew what to expect. Claudia plays Fang's puzzled embarrassment very well.
- Without bothering to ask permission from the owner of the house, namely Elsie.
- That's a story for another day, possibly from Ep 29.
- My sentence doesn't make sense but the logic of Fang's reasoning is not too clear either.
- A side quest maybe?
- And in Rahmut's absence. Putting it here just in case...
- As may have been Claudia, too, if her enthusiasm and the pose she took was any indication.
- And Cheryl visibly frowned.
- Cheryl's reactions to this whole scene, and to this moment in particular, deserve a special rewatch IMHO.
- By this time, everybody's reactions were worth watching on their own.
- See Ep 61.
- See the end of Ep 63.
- Contrary to Dan, who made the most of Mordecai's carelessness.
- See Ep 64.
- See Ep 65.
- See Ep 65.